A Polite Amount of Time

I reckon there’s a question of decorum that has never been satisfactorily answered. Any reader who finds the word fart offensive should stop reading about seven words ago, for my question indeed deals with the breath of the nether regions. And the question is this: What length of time should a reasonably decent fellow wait before openly farting in the presence of a new girlfriend? In other words, at what point in the relationship could he consider himself, statistically speaking, safe from retribution, and break out a good old bottie-burp? Fair question, right? So let’s see if we can reach some consensus. I would say straight away, without fear of contradiction, that the first date is right out. Let one rip on the first date, and you’re either a throwback to Neanderthal courting techniques, or your libido has a death-wish. Actually, if the truth be known, I do indeed go the whiffy on first dates. Not many people know this, not even the ladies concerned. I’ll explain. You know how, when getting into a car, you first open the door for the lady, then, when she’s safely ensconced in your car, you scoot around to the driver’s side? Well, there’s several seconds available during the scooting …. With similar confidence, I would assert that a couple married for twenty years are as comfortable with each others gaseous emissions as they are with their own (if they’re not, I suggest an immediate course of Intestinal Aromatherapy). So it would seem that the answer lies somewhere in between. What is, in fact, A Polite Amount of Time? Personally, I reckon it’s after you’ve first slept with them. No, I don’t mean five minutes after you’ve slept with them, but, you know, sex ought to flag the beginning of It’s-OK-Now time. I mean, after all, you’ve been about as intimate as two people can be, what’s one more bodily function to add to the list? But enough of my opinions. I put it to you, The Readers. Here’s the question, and we’ll do it democratically, multiple-choice style: When is it tolerable/acceptable/safe to allow your partner a whiff of your rectal eructations?
  1. During the first date
  2. After the first date
  3. After the second date
  4. After the coital consummation of the relationship
  5. After marriage
  6. Never
  7. Whenever you feel like it – flatulence is as natural as breathing
  8. None of the above (please elaborate with timeframe and reason)
  9. Mark, this is in such incredibly bad taste that I’m not even going to deign to answer


2 Responses to “A Polite Amount of Time”

  1. Karen Crighton Says:


    Visit Karen Crighton

    Well I reckon your website is bloody marvellous! I enjoy reading the comments especially comments like those from Galvanize! Hee hee!
    Well, I’ve been sat writing e-mails for a while now and feel the need for interaction. With no-one to interact with, the next best thing, I reckon is to respond to one of your many excellent topics of discussion, and which better one to respond to – farting! What length of time should a reasonably decent fellow wait before openly farting in the presence of a new girlfriend?
    I reckon as soon as its ready to go. I’m going with response number one and I think DONT HOLD YOURSELF BACK! I think its absolutely imperative that new dates see you as you really are; burps/farts and all! Farting is something we all do and it is part of our being. We can’t escape it, and neither can our gases! or do they, I guess they do dont they?! Especially on our first date, be yourself and yourself is to fart and/or burp several times daily and if we choose to ignore it, we are holding back from ourselves! and what about our farts, they naturally want to leave our bodies and if we hold them in, we are not allowing our farts to do their job.
    Also, most importantly, what happens when we hold our farts in? we get terrible stomach aches thats what. Well, I do, do you? I wont entertain a stomach for anybody I’m afraid.
    I find the act of farting most fascinating and entertaining. I mean really, how funny are farts? The fact that we can change them by the amount of pressure we place in order to make them sound different! and okay, the smells they produce may not be very funny! but I reckon that they are a reminder of us being alive and we should be proud of them!
    Secondly, you have to consider this, what do you do when you have a fart brewing (Ilove that!) and you’re just finishing your dessert while out on a date? Do you politely get up and clear the area just to avoid any assuming possible embarrassment? What if you have a real bad case of wind on the day of your date? Do you phone your date and cancel beforehand? “sorry love, cant make it today, I have a terrible case of wind and I dont want to put you off me before we start”!
    I mean really! I knew a friend once (sorry friend for using you as my example!) who claims never to fart while with her with her partner and that she will take herself to another room to ‘let rip’! How funny!
    Me? nah, I will be my natural self and if we all shared my opinion, the world would be better place, maybe more smelley, but better all the same!
    That’s what I reckon…

  2. Rob Says:


    Visit Rob

    A few years back, here in England, I remember seeing a stand-up comedian on TV called John Maloney who asked a similar question. I don’t recall his final conclusion but I do remember him saying you definitely wouldn’t do it immediately upon meeting someone — you wouldn’t hold your hand out, proffering a digit, and say: “Hi, my name’s John Maloney – pull my finger!”


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