there’s a question of decorum that has never been satisfactorily answered. Any reader who finds the word fart
offensive should stop reading about seven words ago, for my question indeed deals with the breath of the nether regions. And the question is this: What length of time should a reasonably decent fellow wait before openly farting in the presence of a new girlfriend? In other words, at what point in the relationship could he consider himself, statistically speaking, safe from retribution, and break out a good old bottie-burp? Fair question, right?
So let’s see if we can reach some consensus. I would say straight away, without fear of contradiction, that the first date is right out
. Let one rip on the first date, and you’re either a throwback to Neanderthal courting techniques, or your libido has a death-wish. Actually, if the truth be known, I do indeed go the whiffy
on first dates. Not many people know this, not even the ladies concerned. I’ll explain. You know how, when getting into a car, you first open the door for the lady, then, when she’s safely ensconced in your car, you scoot around to the driver’s side? Well, there’s several seconds available during the scooting ….
With similar confidence, I would assert that a couple married for twenty years are as comfortable with each others gaseous emissions as they are with their own (if they’re not, I suggest an immediate course of Intestinal Aromatherapy).
So it would seem that the answer lies somewhere in between. What is, in fact, A Polite Amount of Time?
Personally, I reckon it’s after you’ve first slept with them. No, I don’t mean five minutes
after you’ve slept with them, but, you know, sex ought to flag the beginning of It’s-OK-Now
time. I mean, after all, you’ve been about as intimate as two people can be, what’s one more bodily function to add to the list?
But enough of my opinions. I put it to you, The Readers. Here’s the question, and we’ll do it democratically, multiple-choice style:
When is it tolerable/acceptable/safe to allow your partner a whiff of your rectal eructations?
- During the first date
- After the first date
- After the second date
- After the coital consummation of the relationship
- After marriage
- Whenever you feel like it – flatulence is as natural as breathing
- None of the above (please elaborate with timeframe and reason)
- Mark, this is in such incredibly bad taste that I’m not even going to deign to answer